Share something beautiful
I know what you’re thinking–childbirth is supposed to be the most painful natural experience. And while that is true, the overwhelming love and wonder that you feel is indescribable. Only another woman, who’s been through natural* (read: vaginal-with or without drugs) will understand. Even with an epidural, you feel a sense of pressure release from your body, that is replaced with immediate love, wonder, and admiration.
I remember the first wave of feelings being relief. He was finally out. The ten months (yes it is actually ten) that I was pregnant were the longest of my life. [Followed immediately by the shortest ten months.] Then I remember feeling the overwhelming love for my son, knowing in that moment that I wouldn’t change anything in my life-if given the chance, everything I’ve ever done brought me to that moment. Holding him on my chest, feeling his little heartbeat, and slow but steady breaths, were mesmerizing. I was in awe that my body nurtured this tiny little creature. I know that many people (doctors, nurses, family members, friends) all came and said hello, but those first twenty-four hours, I remember nothing but my little boy.
*I just want to clairify that I in no way mean that a cesarian section is unnatural as in wrong, just that it is a product of modern medicine that while greatly useful and necisarry in many cases, the mother doesn’t experience the same release of pressure. While not my first choice, if needed I would have a cesarian section.
One thing that is just for you.
As a mother of a young child, I don’t get much time just for myself. Even when my son is off being adventurous with one of his aunts or uncles, I’m still being a mom.
Most people say to not sweat the little things, if there are toys to clean up, but you want to take a relaxing bath–do it. The toys can wait. For me, I find that to be counter-productive. Not that I like baths at all, but even after a nice long shower, if I come out of the bathroom to a messy house my anxiety jumps right back up.
This probably has a lot to do with how anal my mother was about keeping the house clean (read: spotless, as if the Queen was about to visit) when I was growing up.
So, I guess the one thing that is just for me is having time to clean my way. When the hubby (or anyone really) takes the boys for a couple of hours and I get to smoke a joint, blast some music, and clean up at my pace to my satisfaction.
Is it weird that this movie is one of my all time favourites?
I remember watching this movie as a pre/young teen and wanting to be Amanda Bynes. Even though I love my dad, and wouldn’t want to have not had him around when I was growing up.
I kind of fell in love with the whole thing. From the England tourist scenes, to meeting the queen, falling in love with the super cute English guitar player, to the parents finally getting married, but the most heart-string-pulling moment was the father-daughter dance–in The States (you know the one).
I often get annoyed when someone tells me that a movie sucks. For a while, I couldn’t even pinpoint why. Until recently, when I realized that it was because in most cases a large portion- I’ll guesstimate between 40 and 60 percent– of why we like or dislike a movie isn’t because of bad acting or poor directing. That portion is governed by how much we connect to the movie.
If I am deathly afraid of the water, Jaws is more likely to get a lower ‘score’ from me, than someone who isn’t afraid.
The same can be said for rom-coms. My MIL, is very against parents splitting up and getting divorced, so a movie about separated families and one of both parents finding new love- will rate much lower for her than for me- a product of a ‘broken’ home.
We should remember this in all aspects of life. Nothing will ever appear the exact same to any two people. We all have walked different paths to get where we are and our views reflect our unique journeys.
A small meaningless rock to you, will bring back memories of rock collecting with my dad.
We will never truly know someone else. Why do we continue to act like we do?
There is this girl I know, who I’ve gone above and beyond to help. With things that I should feel no remorse if I didn’t. The only reason I’ve continued helping is that she is my brother-in-law’s ‘girlfriend’. I say ‘girlfriend’ because they only started dating after he was arrested. All she does is talk to him on the phone, use his car– which is under my insurance, take his money, and complain. She doesn’t work and her daughter is in school; yet she can’t do anything for herself. I’m so freaking tired of her shit. Today, she rear ended someone and used my name! What the fuck. I don’t need this shit in my life. Yet my MIL basically guilts me into continuing to let her drive the car.
Fuck. Sorry for the rant. I try my best to not let it get to me, but some days are harder.
Hold on to the night
Never let you go
Mouths move, words spoken
Lies told, promises broken
The past is gone
Lives gone with it
No tears to shed
The fate we decide
Keep the connection
With words spoken
Yet not connected
It’s more than nothing
I’ll take what I can get
I messed up
I still want you
I love you
I get tension headaches, sometimes a little Tylenol and a self massage will kick it to the curb. Other times forces beyond my control line up and I am left with a massive tension headache that seams like it will never go away.
Big rain/wind storm, plus mother nature’s monthly visit, and I’ve been left with a four day headache that shows no sign of going away.
I don’t want to run to my doctor for everything, and I know for a chronic problem some lengthy headaches are to be expected but man it sucks.
It’s also triggered a bout of minor depression, I can’t read, write or even watch tv right now, focusing on anything for too long hurts really bad. So I’m a little out of sorts from losing my three biggest distractions.
I spent the day slowly writing this out, just to let you know that I am ok, I haven’t fallen of the face of the earth, and I will be playing catch up with my blogs as soon as this clears.
Share a scar
I have a scar on my right knee. I got it on Father’s Day 1998. My Dad and I were riding our bikes across a high school track–one that had that black rock/dirt mix, and I wiped out. My leg was bleeding so bad, there was blood everywhere! But of course, typical me (even at eight years old), I stubbornly refused to let my dad leave our bikes, and carry me home. He had just bought me this bike for Easter.
Side note: Instead of a shit ton of chocolate and candy for Easter, dad always got us some sort of gift, usually something that would get us active. Which, in hindsight is a pretty sneaky alternative for the candy. Good job dad.
So, I rode the whole way home (about a ten minute ride), and ‘saved’ my bike. Boy did I look like a mess when I got home. My dad’s girlfriend freaked out when she saw me and I had a bandage on my leg for weeks. Luckily nothing too deep, so no hospital trip for me.
I sit, I cry,
Tears stream down my eyes.
I want, I wish,
To die like my fish.
I stand, I stare,
At my family waiting there.
I hope, I pray,
They have nothing to say
I kneel, I reach
The deadly reach
I stop, I wait,
Is this my fate?
I think, I smile,
I’ll stay for a while.
A note to your future You
I guess the most important thing to say to my future self is to always remember that every challenge you faced in the past was one that you thought was going to break you, but you didn’t let it. Every time you fell down you thought you wouldn’t be able to get up, but you did. Every time someone made you feel worthless, you proved them wrong. Every time you made a mistake and thought it was the end of the world, you realised that it wasn’t. Every time you thought you were completely alone, someone stood by you. Every time you felt that there was no way out, you found one.
By reading this, you have proved yourself wrong. You have overcome the impossible obstacles that were in your way. Regardless of how long it has been since that ‘impossible obstacle’, you past it. There will be new challenges that may slow you down, make you feel like life is over, but you are proof, that nothing can stop you.
A note to your past You
Keep your chin up, nothing is as bad as it seems right now. You will be able to distance yourself from home. Spend more time with the people you do care about, you’ll never regret that. Better days are ahead. You’ll meet a little boy that steals your heart before he even takes his first breath. Once he is in your life everything will make sense, I promise.