Challenging the Past

I’m honestly not even sure what to think any more. So much of my beliefs have been based on my childhood memories– some of which, as I am now finding out, were wrong.

When I was younger, some physical activities would cause me pain. The biggest trigger was running. It was either in grade three or four that I first remember bringing up my pain with a teacher. I remember so vividly that this teacher would dismiss my concerns and even go as far as (loudly) telling me that I should stop trying to get out of gym, and that everyone has to deal with “pain like that”. I remember some kids teasing me about it, they would say that I was only trying to get out of gym because I wasn’t good at sports and that I wasn’t really in any pain.

I think it may have been the combination of embarrassment and belief that my teacher, someone who is supposed to be a trusted adult, that I have spent my whole life ignoring ‘minor’ pain. I believed that everyone got the same ‘minor’ pains that I do, because up until now, I have never had any reason to believe that what my third or fourth grade teacher said wasn’t true.

On the one hand, even though I understand now that this is not true, I still pass off so many things because I feel like they are nothing to concern a doctor with. I feel that if the pain doesn’t last more than a couple days at a time it is not a problem. I never take into account that the pain, while most times never lasting longer than two or three days at a time, reoccurs five or six times a month.

Is it normal to lose feeling in your hands or feet after as few as five minutes in the same position? Is it normal to have a headache for at least twenty days out of each month? Is it normal to go to bed at 11 PM and wake up at 9AM, and feel like it is physically impossible for you to stay awake? Is it normal to have a couple of days each month in which your hands just feel stiff, all day, with no relief? Is it normal to have a dry mouth all the time, no matter how much water you drink?

The problem is that I don’t know anymore. I feel as if I may fixated on the idea that I may have fibromyalgia because I just want to finally figure out the source of my pain and maybe get some relief. Is is possible that I have fibromyalgia? I do think it is, my sister was just diagnosed with it and many of my physical and mental issues are common symptoms of fibromyalgia.

At the same time, I feel as if I’m jumping to conclusions, and that most of my issues can also be explained by other causes. It is not easy being in my head, and all of my newly founded uncertainty with truths of my childhood is only making it harder.


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