Share something beautiful
I know what you’re thinking–childbirth is supposed to be the most painful natural experience. And while that is true, the overwhelming love and wonder that you feel is indescribable. Only another woman, who’s been through natural* (read: vaginal-with or without drugs) will understand. Even with an epidural, you feel a sense of pressure release from your body, that is replaced with immediate love, wonder, and admiration.
I remember the first wave of feelings being relief. He was finally out. The ten months (yes it is actually ten) that I was pregnant were the longest of my life. [Followed immediately by the shortest ten months.] Then I remember feeling the overwhelming love for my son, knowing in that moment that I wouldn’t change anything in my life-if given the chance, everything I’ve ever done brought me to that moment. Holding him on my chest, feeling his little heartbeat, and slow but steady breaths, were mesmerizing. I was in awe that my body nurtured this tiny little creature. I know that many people (doctors, nurses, family members, friends) all came and said hello, but those first twenty-four hours, I remember nothing but my little boy.
*I just want to clairify that I in no way mean that a cesarian section is unnatural as in wrong, just that it is a product of modern medicine that while greatly useful and necisarry in many cases, the mother doesn’t experience the same release of pressure. While not my first choice, if needed I would have a cesarian section.
One thing that is just for you.
As a mother of a young child, I don’t get much time just for myself. Even when my son is off being adventurous with one of his aunts or uncles, I’m still being a mom.
Most people say to not sweat the little things, if there are toys to clean up, but you want to take a relaxing bath–do it. The toys can wait. For me, I find that to be counter-productive. Not that I like baths at all, but even after a nice long shower, if I come out of the bathroom to a messy house my anxiety jumps right back up.
This probably has a lot to do with how anal my mother was about keeping the house clean (read: spotless, as if the Queen was about to visit) when I was growing up.
So, I guess the one thing that is just for me is having time to clean my way. When the hubby (or anyone really) takes the boys for a couple of hours and I get to smoke a joint, blast some music, and clean up at my pace to my satisfaction.
A note to your past You
Keep your chin up, nothing is as bad as it seems right now. You will be able to distance yourself from home. Spend more time with the people you do care about, you’ll never regret that. Better days are ahead. You’ll meet a little boy that steals your heart before he even takes his first breath. Once he is in your life everything will make sense, I promise.
So, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything (personal or book review), and I wanted to give a bit of an explanation.
A lot of big things have happened for me over the past few months and I am working on writing those experiences out, but for now here is the short versions.
I was fired from my job–minor customer dispute nothing horrible on my part, but I was super stressed there, so, hey good riddance. [Beginning of April]
I left the country for the first time ever to go to Disney World with my son. Florida was amazing and we had a blast. [End of April/ Beginning of May]
My future brother in law was arrested. (No I won’t go into too much detail, but yep it sucks.) [Beginning of June]
I went to New Brunswick to meet my brother, whom I just found out about (and he’s the same age as me!), and see some family I haven’t seen in five years. [Middle of July]
All the while I’ve been struggling with severe anxiety that I’ve never really told anyone about, which all changed a couple of days ago when I saw a Psychologist for the first time.
I know I have a lot of work to do, mental illness doesn’t just go away after you tell someone (oh god, I wish) but I feel like a weight has been lifted–at least a little.
I went far too long not really realizing that my ‘issues’ were not something to be ashamed of and that I CAN get help for, and start to control them.
More to come.