Learning to Stand, again.

I feel defeated. I’ve let my cPTSD, and the anxiety and depression that have come from it, take over. It has been so long since I’ve read a book. Which is not me in the slightest.

It’s also taken over my ability to do much more, but to me this is the worst.

This is extremely difficult for me to say. Even as I’m typing this now I’m having heart palpitations and feeling a tightness in my chest. I know that talking about it- letting friends and family know what’s going on will make a huge difference but I’m still scared.

My cPTSD coupled with the high emotions of this pregnancy have increased the depression to the point where I’m not able to do anything at all most days. I can’t work, can’t read, can’t even watch tv. I just want to sleep.

I know I need to reach out, that getting help, both from friends and professionals will help me get through this, but the anxiety is making me feel as though I will be judged or worse yet- a burden to friends and family. Logically I know this isn’t going to happen. I know my friends and family are not like that. Even that knowledge doesn’t stop the fear.

I’m not ready to post this on Facebook. That is way too public for a first step, but most of the people who I know I really need to explain this to will see the links on Twitter and Goodreads.

To those people who I should have told a long time ago- I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t feel like I need to apologize, but I do. Not only have I been hiding the true issues, I’ve been slowly withdrawing myself from everything. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Just another symptom of the anxiety.

Lastly, I just want to make it clear that while I know I’m going to feel relief that I have got this off my chest I also know that I won’t always be up for talking about it. Please don’t feel offended if you bring it up and I shut you down. Once again, after re-reading that I know that these thoughts are most likely yet another symptom of the anxiety.

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A first look.

I think it is time that I push myself farther than I think I can go.

I know that my Trich is primarily a direct reaction to my extreme anxiety and childhood PTSD. I am tired of always hiding the evidence 100%. This picture doesn’t show the worst spot, but it is the best I was able to convince myself to post.

I want to learn how to control the urges. I want to fight back. This is the next step.

Maybe I’ll post a ‘better’ view in a couple of weeks, and hopefully it will have grown in some.