Share something beautiful
I know what you’re thinking–childbirth is supposed to be the most painful natural experience. And while that is true, the overwhelming love and wonder that you feel is indescribable. Only another woman, who’s been through natural* (read: vaginal-with or without drugs) will understand. Even with an epidural, you feel a sense of pressure release from your body, that is replaced with immediate love, wonder, and admiration.
I remember the first wave of feelings being relief. He was finally out. The ten months (yes it is actually ten) that I was pregnant were the longest of my life. [Followed immediately by the shortest ten months.] Then I remember feeling the overwhelming love for my son, knowing in that moment that I wouldn’t change anything in my life-if given the chance, everything I’ve ever done brought me to that moment. Holding him on my chest, feeling his little heartbeat, and slow but steady breaths, were mesmerizing. I was in awe that my body nurtured this tiny little creature. I know that many people (doctors, nurses, family members, friends) all came and said hello, but those first twenty-four hours, I remember nothing but my little boy.
*I just want to clairify that I in no way mean that a cesarian section is unnatural as in wrong, just that it is a product of modern medicine that while greatly useful and necisarry in many cases, the mother doesn’t experience the same release of pressure. While not my first choice, if needed I would have a cesarian section.
One thing that is just for you.
As a mother of a young child, I don’t get much time just for myself. Even when my son is off being adventurous with one of his aunts or uncles, I’m still being a mom.
Most people say to not sweat the little things, if there are toys to clean up, but you want to take a relaxing bath–do it. The toys can wait. For me, I find that to be counter-productive. Not that I like baths at all, but even after a nice long shower, if I come out of the bathroom to a messy house my anxiety jumps right back up.
This probably has a lot to do with how anal my mother was about keeping the house clean (read: spotless, as if the Queen was about to visit) when I was growing up.
So, I guess the one thing that is just for me is having time to clean my way. When the hubby (or anyone really) takes the boys for a couple of hours and I get to smoke a joint, blast some music, and clean up at my pace to my satisfaction.
Share a scar
I have a scar on my right knee. I got it on Father’s Day 1998. My Dad and I were riding our bikes across a high school track–one that had that black rock/dirt mix, and I wiped out. My leg was bleeding so bad, there was blood everywhere! But of course, typical me (even at eight years old), I stubbornly refused to let my dad leave our bikes, and carry me home. He had just bought me this bike for Easter.
Side note: Instead of a shit ton of chocolate and candy for Easter, dad always got us some sort of gift, usually something that would get us active. Which, in hindsight is a pretty sneaky alternative for the candy. Good job dad.
So, I rode the whole way home (about a ten minute ride), and ‘saved’ my bike. Boy did I look like a mess when I got home. My dad’s girlfriend freaked out when she saw me and I had a bandage on my leg for weeks. Luckily nothing too deep, so no hospital trip for me.
A note to your future You
I guess the most important thing to say to my future self is to always remember that every challenge you faced in the past was one that you thought was going to break you, but you didn’t let it. Every time you fell down you thought you wouldn’t be able to get up, but you did. Every time someone made you feel worthless, you proved them wrong. Every time you made a mistake and thought it was the end of the world, you realised that it wasn’t. Every time you thought you were completely alone, someone stood by you. Every time you felt that there was no way out, you found one.
By reading this, you have proved yourself wrong. You have overcome the impossible obstacles that were in your way. Regardless of how long it has been since that ‘impossible obstacle’, you past it. There will be new challenges that may slow you down, make you feel like life is over, but you are proof, that nothing can stop you.
A note to your past You
Keep your chin up, nothing is as bad as it seems right now. You will be able to distance yourself from home. Spend more time with the people you do care about, you’ll never regret that. Better days are ahead. You’ll meet a little boy that steals your heart before he even takes his first breath. Once he is in your life everything will make sense, I promise.
A person who loves You
Chris. He has been my rock for almost six years now. I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but that’s what life is about.
He has seen me at my best, and at my worst (labour is both beautiful and ugly at the same time)! He has caused some wounds, but from those I’ve been able to build a stronger exterior.
I love him more than anyone else (well, except our son) and I know he feels the same way.
A word that describes You
I have always been emotional. So that would probably describe me best.
In both negative and positive ways.
Yes I can get over emotional about silly little things that lead to me blowing things out of proportion, but I also can connect emotionally with people (and animals) better than some.
I don’t think I would ever want to change that about me, maybe I’ll continue to work on toning down my freak outs from getting emotional, but being emotionally sensitive is a good thing for me.
A photo of You
I have posted quite a few photos of myself online before, but I’ll post one here that I’m not the biggest fan of. This is how I see myself on an okay day.
Why are You doing #loveme?
I’m doing love me because I am at a point in my life that I know I need to start loving and accepting myself more, but am having trouble doing that day-to-day. I first saw the challenge on a2eternity‘s blog.